Monday, April 6, 2009

Fear,Appointment, Broken Bones, And My Girls

Yesterday morning I went into a FBPA (Full Blown Panic Attack) I like to use fbpa and not say the words sometimes because it helps. I was shaking like almost convulsions and I put on a happy face and hid my PA well. I forced myself out the door and then....

I took Landan to his appointment yesterday and he weighs 11lbs 5oz. he is perfectly healthy and a big boy. he cried when my dad put his kennel in the back, all the way to the doctors. I felt so bad for him, I mean, would we like to be in a closed box? He got his distemper and his rabies shots today and wasn't a happy camper. My typical loving,cuddling, Landan was pissed off! He growled at the doc after his shots and looked at me like, "Why daddy? What did I do?" I told him it's because I love him and that he needs to have check ups to make sure he's healthy.

Last night my mom took my gran with her to go grocery shopping. Those who know me know that my mom had fallen down my basement stairs and broke her hip on Dec. 6, 08. Well anyways, she is healed and walking again and went shopping. Well around 4ish, mom comes in the house crying and asked why I never answered my phone never rang or registered a number. (Gran wasn't with her) heart sunk. I asked what was wrong and she said she told gran to stay put for a minute so she could go get a cart..etc.

Next thing she knows, gran is screaming for help!! She had falling down on the cement and broke her nose and left arm!! She will be 86 in August. Now I know stories of my gran and they aren't' pretty and when mom fell in Dec. I wished it was Gran. Ironic though cos yesterday was the 6th. gran has done terrible things OK and one day I might talk about it. A lot of times I wish that she would die =( and fall and etc. Call me a heartless prick if you will! Now with these PA after me constantly...i have a major guilt trip! Like when Gran dies, I am going to remember everything I said...everything I wished for. Does God know I don't really mean it? Does he forgive me?

Ugh where was God when my girls died! Where was he when my nephew died!! Oh GOD I am so sorry for this, I really am! I just want them back so bad!

I do have some good news in a way. I met a lady online and she does reborning. Well I got Emily and Haylee's molds and she's gonna put them together for us!!! We'll be able to hold our babies and help the empty arms syndrome. Instead of 5 years old...their forever 1 day.
Well I guess this is it for now. Later!

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