Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Punked by a ghost!

OK so it's like going on 2am and I was in my room watching a movie. I started to get pains so I came out to take my pain meds. I open the drawer where I keep them and was looking and huh......my oxycodone was gone!! Not shiting man, it was fucking gone. This just happened like 10 minutes ago to me. I panicked looking for it cos I needed it real bad..I was crying and then I woke up my wife, Tina and asked where she put my medicine because she gave me some last night. She said she out it in the drawer where i keep it....>.<>

NO no...Sher gets up and goes to the bathroom and I search the drawer numerous of times and still crying and panicking. I turn around and search n the table thinking it might had been put there my mistake, ya know? Search and search and nothing. I turn around and go to the drawer and look in it......My oxycodone was sitting right there!You tell me just what happened? I picked up the bottle, opened it up, looked inside and grabbed by two pills and then I help the bottle in the air saying, "What, do you wanna get high?!?! You can't, you're dead!Leave me the fuck alone!!

Right now, I am heading to my room. Goodnight.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Fear,Appointment, Broken Bones, And My Girls

Yesterday morning I went into a FBPA (Full Blown Panic Attack) I like to use fbpa and not say the words sometimes because it helps. I was shaking like almost convulsions and I put on a happy face and hid my PA well. I forced myself out the door and then....

I took Landan to his appointment yesterday and he weighs 11lbs 5oz. he is perfectly healthy and a big boy. he cried when my dad put his kennel in the back, all the way to the doctors. I felt so bad for him, I mean, would we like to be in a closed box? He got his distemper and his rabies shots today and wasn't a happy camper. My typical loving,cuddling, Landan was pissed off! He growled at the doc after his shots and looked at me like, "Why daddy? What did I do?" I told him it's because I love him and that he needs to have check ups to make sure he's healthy.

Last night my mom took my gran with her to go grocery shopping. Those who know me know that my mom had fallen down my basement stairs and broke her hip on Dec. 6, 08. Well anyways, she is healed and walking again and went shopping. Well around 4ish, mom comes in the house crying and asked why I never answered my phone....my phone never rang or registered a number. (Gran wasn't with her)...my heart sunk. I asked what was wrong and she said she told gran to stay put for a minute so she could go get a cart..etc.

Next thing she knows, gran is screaming for help!! She had falling down on the cement and broke her nose and left arm!! She will be 86 in August. Now I know stories of my gran and they aren't' pretty and when mom fell in Dec. I wished it was Gran. Ironic though cos yesterday was the 6th.

Look.....my gran has done terrible things OK and one day I might talk about it. A lot of times I wish that she would die =( and fall and etc. Call me a heartless prick if you will! Now with these PA after me constantly...i have a major guilt trip! Like when Gran dies, I am going to remember everything I said...everything I wished for. Does God know I don't really mean it? Does he forgive me?

Ugh where was God when my girls died! Where was he when my nephew died!! Oh GOD I am so sorry for this, I really am! I just want them back so bad!

I do have some good news in a way. I met a lady online and she does reborning. Well I got Emily and Haylee's molds and she's gonna put them together for us!!! We'll be able to hold our babies and help the empty arms syndrome. Instead of 5 years old...their forever 1 day.
Well I guess this is it for now. Later!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Family & Scared

I was introduced to this site from my sister, Lacey. She is the mother of Landan and Layne and some might know her. She's a great inspiration and a wonderful sister & friend.

Well I have been having panic attacks lately for about 4 days in a row now and I dunno why. Anyone who has these KNOW how terrible they are and how you feel. I know I am not dying nor going crazy, but these PA's (Panic attacks) do the opposite.

The way mine are is the followings:

Lump in throat, feel like your gonna choke
Icy cold tingling(like when your foot falls asleep)sweat from head to toe
Heart Palpitations and pulse like 140
Feeling sick and if I don't vomit, it comes out the other end
Racing thoughts that won't go away(and that are not real..some are)
Think that I'm dying (I know I am not..but the panic says yes)
Feels like I am going crazy
Crying constantly (sometimes

Does anyone else go through this?? How can I get rid of them quickly or permently?